Time for another sad one, yall.

It seems like everyone's "theme" for sadness, is being alone. All of us feel alone. We feel alone when we think the bad things we think. Maybe it's just me, trying not to feel so alone. Fuck this keyboard, so fucking sticky. Fuck dude.

I always say, surround yourself with the people you love, the people who make you smile. If you do that, problems will be small, no matter how tall.

Recently, even though I've been around the people I love, I still feel alone. But when I'm with you, I know you care. I can feel it. I almost feel like crying, knowing you care so much. Other people, I barely feel any care. I feel like just another person. You make me feel important. I never want you to see me breakdown.

I don't want to seem like the center of attention, but I feel like people take me for granted. It sounds selfish, and high on my part, but I've felt like this for the longest time. I feel like, people always think that I'll be there. That I won't leave. Right now, I feel like crying, and just severing myself from everybody for a while. To get my mind and body into shape. But I'll just be alone again.

And then there's you. You've been my friend for years. Out of everybody, I feel like your voice has the greatest presence in me. Your voice is what keeps me sane. You keep all of the pieces in place. I can't see how I would be without you, Nesly. You have no idea of how I proud I am, that you have become such a devout Christian. You show me the truth, you show me the better.

I feel like the sadness bug hit me pretty early today. I think I need to be quiet for a little. Bye bye.

"You'll be okay, boy."

Doctor, something's wrong.

So here I am again, up late and feeling lonely. Is something wrong with me? I think it's bad to be like this, night after night. I'm scared. Hahahaha.

Not to mention, I spilled pineapple juice all over my laptop, so now my keyboard is sticky. Lololol, this sucks.

And I have no job or money. Life's grand.

Those words.

You said, "She thinks I am the greatest thing in the world that could have ever happened to her. And I said, You're right.""

No matter how cocky it sounds, it is the truth.

I want to be like you.
I want to help people.
I want to be someone's everything.
I want to be someone that means the world to them.
I want to be the one of the greatest things that has ever happened to someone.
I want to be someone's best friend.
I want to be someone to lean on.
I want to be someone who inspires.
I want to be someone who gives hope to people.
I want to be someone that everyone likes.
I want to be someone who could help, and never get in the way.
I want to be someone who can make everyone laugh and smile.
I want to be someone's umbrella in a rain storm.
I want to be someone's shelter in moments of need.
I want to be someone who's hugs are like candy.
I want to be someone's place to vent.
I want to be someone.

I think I think too much. Hah, that sentence is funny. I need to lay down some more. Bai Bai.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOW.

I had a really, really, really, sad blog up. But now I feel fine. I don't know if I should lol at my moodswings, or be worried.

But right now, I feel happy. Maybe because I actually feel sleepy! Hahaha.

Here are clips of the sad blog!

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Lately, I've been thinking about how I want things to change, and how I also want people to sort of, put up with me.

How can I change, if I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. No clue at all. Up at 6:30, thinking about things, and getting only shit. My thoughts are and always have been full of bullshit. It sucks.

I need to change. I need to learn to deal with people. I have had one sided thoughts my whole life. I thought I knew, but I didn't. I'm just so damn ignorant

I wish reality would slap me in the face, and show me what I have to do.

I feel like a toilet. People pour stuff into me, for help and such, but I spill out worthless, empty bullshit.

I want to blame you, but I know I can't blame you at all. I can't point any fingers at you Erica. I've always been this unstable. Hahaha. You're obviously doing better than I.

If this made you sad, whoever reads this, I apologize. I hope I can change in time.



As of now, I don't even know if this is how I feel. My eyes are straining, my hearts heavy, my breathing is irregular. I hope it's just my mind wandering when I'm alone, and I hope these thoughts don't manifest and eat the insides of maaaaaah body.

You know what, forget you ever read this. Bye.


-----------------------------------------

Wow yo, I was super harsh. Maybe the lack of sleep is what effects psychological sicknesses the most. Hahahaha.

Lesson of the day: Sleep is good.

Hahaha. but I still feel lonely! Wow, the sun's already peeking through my window. Hhahaha,.

I haven't prayed for a couple hours. Man, I really do become a different person when I lack sleep. My mind become a portal, or more of a magnet, for negative thoughts. But now, as I tire, I feel relief, and comfort.

My sleeping schedule sucks, I hope I can fix it before school. Hahaha.

Someone make me feel important tomorrow. Hahaha. Goodnight, universe :D

This late? Man.

So another late night for Kirby! I always end up going to sleep this late, when I feel lonely. Hahaha. Lately, I've been feeling so lonely. Like there is just a wall in front of my face, covering up how I feel inside. But I shouldn't be complaining.

I don't know if it's just me who noticed, but we've all been struggling for a while. All of us have been battling our own fears and demons. Am I the only one who noticed? The only one who noticed that all of us have problems. Am I the only one who noticed, it seems like we're too busy enveloped in our own problems, to help each other as friends? Am I the only one? Or maybe I'm lying to myself.

I need help. A lot of it. I just need someone to put up with my writer's cramp and writer's crap all the time. I always have something to say, which leads me to forget other things. I feel like, all of my problems are so small. But I still need help. I need relief. I need a friend.

Also, not only I, but a lot of us need help. We all have so much stuff on our mind.

Why don't we do what friends do, and care.

Another sleepless, lonely night. So long, universe.

As of now.

I feel alone. Maybe I should just go back to sleep. Maybe my time is up.





















Hay, what do you know, new text message. Give me hope, please.

I want to be!

I want to be able to post things, when I'm not sad, or mad. Hahahaha.

It seems like when I blog, I always blog about something I am sad or mad at, which is whack. Right now, I shouldn't be sad, but, I;m just not smiling about anything. Maybe it's because I feel sleepy? Cause I do. Hahaha.

Well, today I woke up to my dad yelling, telling me to mow the lawn. Hahaha, it was so hot, I felt like crying. It reminded me about when I cut Erica's grass when that jenk was like, 4 feet tall. That was intense. Hahaha. I felt like I regret doing nice things for her, but when I thought about it, I knew I didn't think that. I'm glad that we were together, I'm glad that we're not together, I'm glad she has taken part in my life, I'm glad that I did nice things for her!

Lately, I've been grateful about everything happeneing to me. I find myself thanking God alot more. I love it. Hahaha. I wake up everyday, thanking God for giving me another chance to breathe. I thanked Him for at least giving me a lawn to mow, or a dog to yell at, or a pretty decent voice. Hahaha. I feel happier now.

But, I want someone to talk to right now. I'm dozing off. Hahaha.

Uhhhh...what else happened today? Johnny's party! I finally got rid of the large orange cone I had in the trunk of my car, that I stole after Warped Tour. LOLOLOL. His Mom started yelling at him. HAHAH.

I want to start covering things! But I feel like I have a really really crappy voice. Can someone help me sing better D: Or at least give me tips, or criticize me? I'd appreciate it. Hahaha.

Well, I feel boring. Goodnight world!

I hate short blogs.

So this one's for you.

You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.
You are gay. You would. You make me mad.

It's like a drug!

I'm lazy to do this, cause I know some are going to be really long. Hahaha. Here it goes.

When I first met you in Math Analysis, I thought you were mean looking. You looked like you would act like a complete jerk, and act like the smartest dude on earth. Now I know that I was stupidest kid in that class, and I should have asked you for help. You are a very good guy, but you stress too much. I honestly worry about you alot. I like to help you when you ask for advice, but I don't think I help. I like the color of your car. The yellow is very nice. Hahaha. I also like the way you dress. It's like...cool. idk. It makes me mad how you are oblivious sometimes. I sometimes even think you act oblivious on purpose. But then again, I shouldn't immediately think that. Hahaha. You're a cool guy, but please, lower your stress.

=====

I used to think about you alot. You have been in my life for a pretty long time, since 7th grade, but you say I met you 6th grade. I don't really care, cause I'm glad you're in my life. It used to make me mad how you, Eric, and Khael would make fun of me. I guess that's why I hit you alot. Hahaha. I also felt like I was the ugly duckling of the group, cause I was. HAHAHA. Sometimes I feel like everyone likes you better than me. Actually, I always feel like that. Hahaha. You seem more easy to approach, you're cuter, you seem easy to talk to, you also aren't annoying, like me. It makes me sad, cause I feel like, I can never be as good as you at being a person. It makes me sad whenever I think about how you do/did weed. But who am I to judge you. You're life is yours, live it like you want. You only live once. Don't ever leave me, please.

=====

The first time I ever talked to you, you called me Daddy, and gave me a hug, and Chris was wathing you and loling his ass off. HAHAHA. I thought you were so weird. I didn't like how people said we looked alike, but now, I'm glad we did. Hahaha. You are really one of the easiest guys to talk to. How you view situations is always the most truthful. You always make me lol. I think that if right now someone asked who my bestfriend is, I would say you. You are really one of the best people I have ever known in my life. I wish you could get out, I really miss you. It's funny,the things we talk about and do. We always lol about the things we say. Whenever I', in trouble, I know I can always talk to you. I always made fun of you, and I feel bad, but you said it helped you grow. But still, I was super harsh to you. What hurts me the most, is that after all of that, you still kept being my friend. I'm crying right now. HJahahaha. I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you. Hah, I really am a bad person. Hahaha. You gave me the chance to be your friend, and I acted so mean to you, but you were still my friend. Man, you really are the coolest guy I know. Thanks for always being there. You'll always be my favorite SP partner. Hahaha. Please don't ever leave my life.

=====

Hahaha. Whenever I think of you, I can't help but smile. You make me lol all the time. Sometimes you get annyoing, but the day I broke up with Erica, showed me how much of a caring person and good friend you are. You went and got me tissues when I started crying. That made me so thankful knowing you cared. Hahaha. Even though your voice is super high, you are a man. Hahaha. You act stupid alot, but that's what makes you you. The day I slammed your head into my wall, I thought I lot your friendship, so I layed on my floor, and just cried. Hahaha. We don't talk much anymore, but I know you're there if I need help. Thanks for coming into my life. HAHAA, you sent me pictures of your leg behind you head, that your mom took for you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

=====

Man. You're one of the reasons why I wish I grew up a year later. You're a really cool kid, and it makes me happy that you look up to me. You say that I'm too hard on myself, which makes me sort of happy knowing you noticed that, but I don't feel like I am hard on myself. Hahaha. I always wanted to impress you, cause of out all of my younger friends, you seemed the coolest. It makes me happy that we got closer, and ate heavenly hash together. Hahaha. Even though you live far, I love driving to you, cause being with you is always lulz. You are a really good friend of mine, and I'm glad you are. I hope someday you fall in love with a beautiful girl, who loves you too. Hahaha. I think I might name my kid after you, if I don't name him Kirby JR, or Lord Imhotep. HAHAHA. I like making you lol, cause I feel cool. Hahaha. I don't even know what to say about you anymore. I feel like I have too much to say. Hahaha.

=====

Awww man. You? HAHAHA. I think about the times when we watched School Rumble. It was nice knowing that someone thought it was as cool as I thought it was. We always talked about our girl problems, and I liked how you would ask me about my Wendy problems, back in the day. Hahaha. I feel like, we're not that close anymore. I feel like I can't make you lol anymore, and that I'm boring to you. hahaha. I always like to make fun of you, because it's funny what you say back. You're a really good person, with good values. I used to make fun of you for being Mormon, but when I grew up, I noticed how wrong I was. I'm sorry for doing that to you, for making fun of your religion. I was a jerk. Hahaha. I have a convo saved between me and you where we talked about how we're gonna get sexy, and get all the girls. Everyone in the group likes you, and I'm glad that we play halo together. Hopefully I can visit you in Hampton, or wherever you live. Hahaha.

HANAI WAS STUCK ON A KITE FOR 3 EPISODES HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

You'll always be my Hanai, You Hanai looking nigga :D

=====

Of course, everyones gonna keep an eye out for the one about me and you, Hahaha. I'll always love you, and I don't really know what to say about you. There is too much. All I can say is that, I want to move on, but it's hard. Looking and thinking about you makes me not want to, though. I feel like by typing this, I'm getting your hopes up. I'm sorry if it is, but I don't think we'll get back together. I feel like, I have hurt you too much, and I have been hurt too much. You helped me grow alot, and I never saw what you did for me, until you were gone. I want to be friends with you too, but I don't think the thought of me and you will get off my mind if I see you alot. I want you to be happy, and marry someone who can offer you supreme happiness. If our relationship was based more around God, we would have worked out, I think. Also, if my mindset was different. I always get sad when I think about you. I don't know what else to say. There's so much on my mind, but idk how to talk about you at all. Maybe I'll add more another day.

=====

I want to say so much more about other people, but right now, this is all of the stuff I could think of right now. I also want to say alot, but I don't want to type about someone, who will never even read it. Hahaha.

Actually, I think I only wrote about these people, cause they were in my AIM log. Lolololol.

Maybe some of you should IM me more, to inscrease the chances of me writing about you. Hahaha.

Feelings.

HAHAHA. Man I just posted that blog, and I feel like such a bad person. HAHAHA.

How gay.

I wish Genies were real. Or wishing wells really worked. Or making a wish on your birthday worked. Or wishing on a shooting star worked. Or holding your breathe through a tunnel worked. Or the dragonballs were real. Or wishbones really worked. Or Dandelions or whatever really granted wishes. Or wishing on rainbows.

If wishes came true, then I would have had a certain someone a long time ago, coughcoughWENDYcoughcough.

HAHAHAHA. But I'm happy for her and David. They really are cute together, and she did help me grow up. I'm glad she was part of my life, and it wouldn't be the same if we did end up together. I'd still be even more of a little kid. So would she. Good thing things turned out this way. Hahaha.

I have learned that things happen because of human influence and thought, and also, prayer.

I've been praying for help for so long. For someone to change me. To change my outlook on life, to help me feel closer to God.

As of now, I feel alot closer to God. I thank Him everyday for my life, and what I have.

Thanks for your help, for opening my eyes. You are truly a positive influence on me.

On a more serious note....















My legs are really itchy, and they are really hairy. Someone shave my legs pl0x D:

Bah Dah Bing Bah Dah Boom.

Actions speak louder than blogs.

Communication is the key.

Never change your words. Be proud of what you say.

Have confidence to step forward, and talk.

As of right now, I am displeased. I don't even know if I'm sad about you, or mad at you, or anything. I really can't tell. You just make me feel like crying every time I think of you. Either it being me sad at how I changed, the anger I feel when I think about things you do/have done, or my own feelings, or my feeling of being inadequate, or something.

I don't even know what to say anymore. One second I'm sad. One second I'm enraged. One second I feel like I should just disappear from your life. One second I feel like I should never have been with you, cause I just make things worse. One second I'm crying.

I said actions speak louder than blogs, but as of now, I have no desire to seek you out. I only want to think for myself, and talk to God. If you truly need to talk to me about something, then do something about it. You're going to read this, I know it. Cause that's all you've been doing. Reading my blogs, looking at my myspace, talking to my friends. I don't want to be the bad guy in this situation and make you feel bad, but it displeases me at how different you are, about talking to me.

I really don't even know if I should post this. I feel like you should learn for yourself.

You want to be my good friend? Then talk to me. How do you become good friends with someone? You talk to them. YOU TALK to THEM. You don't talk about them with other people, you don't read their blogs and answer back with one so that others can see. You talk to them, so they get the message. It's like you're putting your emotions on blast, to show the whole world. Like this is the whole worlds thing. Gosh, I don't even know what to say anymore.

I said actions speak louder than blogs, and I may be talking to you through blogs, but that's what you do to me. You're going to read this. I hope I made something better.

I bet I didn't.

I think I'm gonna go to bed. GOODBYE.



No matter how sad I feel, this always makes my day.



LOLOLOLOLOL.

Thump Thump.

Have you ever saw something, and just felt weak hearted? Man. My heart feels like dew dew right now. I feel like, I just want to cry and go to sleep. Like I don't even care about anything anymore. I just want this feeling to go away. Is it that damn hard, really. Hah, it's funny, cause I'm trembling.

I wish I could see this situation from another persons point of view. Maybe it would make things easier, make it seem like I'm not at fault. No matter how weak I feel right now, I know that everything was my fault. I need to accept that. I always feel like I do. Like I know I did everything wrong, and that I'll just have to let God and the future guide my life. But the thought of my failure always lingers in my mind.

I'm trembling really bad now. Hah. I really hate this. I feel like the world is watching me, and I'm just a TV show. Like everyone is playing with me. One day, everyone will just be like "Hey! Your life was meaningless, because it's just a low rate, piece of crap show."

I wish my life was like that, cause then I wouldn't have to take THAT to heart.

I'm stupid, and ugly. Kay, bye.

Whoa Whoa Whoa!

Don't you love it when someone says something, and then you say something, and then they change their words? I love that. I love it so much. Don't you love when people say something SO sarcastic to you, it pisses you off? Especially when you don't even feel like you did anything wrong? Even when MY OWN birthday doesn't go as planned either? Opps, getting too specific here. Maybe I should just shut my mouth.

Oh, I also love it sooooo much when people just make things worse. I love it when things go from bad to worse. How could you not love that? You must have a heart if you don't.

Man, I love Jazz. HAHAHA.

Enough of that, time to laugh about myself. Kirby, one day you'll read these, and lulz your face off.

"TEAM BATUCADA, WHO, WHO, WHO!"
Tony Da Shizzle
Seriously, are you a man jw.
Daniel's the _ _ _ _ of the group. HAHAHA.
Google. Everynight, just to find it. HAHAHA.

Man. I don't want to sleep. I feel alone. I feel so, empty. I feel like no one cares about me. But everyone' sleeping, so I should sleep too. I don't like to be alone at night, cause my mind wanders. I feel bad about alot of things, but at the same time, I could care less. I think I'm becoming more and more heartless.

I always think about you, Bomban. You're a really good friend of mine. You have become such a Business Brother to me. You're honestly one of my bestfriends. It'd be cool if we were closer, if you knew more about me, and if I knew more about you. But I'd get boring, Hah. And I don't wanna seem gay. I just wish I had someone to always talk to and lulz with. You're the closest thing to a bestfriend I have left. I feel like I'm not even funny or interesting anymore to anyone.

Tyler, you make me feel funny and important. I like to hang out with you, cause sometimes I feel like you look up to me. But why would anyone look up to someone like me? Pointless, cause I'm such a :[. I want to hangout with you more, but I don't want you to think I'm annoying. Hahaha. Oh well. I guess this is how my lifes gonna be until I grow up.

Ronnie, I've been thinking about you alot. I always think about what you said about me in your blog on myspace. It made me happy you still think about me like that, but I feel like I'm just boring to you too. I feel like I can't be funny at all anymore. Everything I once had has left me. I feel like, you were envious of me because I was funny and well-liked, but I should say, I am none of those anymore. Hahaha.

Marlon, I've thought about you alot too. I feel like if I can make you LOL really hard, then I am funny. But I think about making people laugh too much now, I feel like I can't. HAHAHA. Oh well. You know what? I say oh well too much. I think I should start changing.

Maybe this is the part in my life, where I grow up? Where I stop being a little girl. I stop bitching about small things. Where I become a Mr. and not a boy.

I also think alot about you Kevin. You're really funny, and I wish I could be like you. Everyone thinks of you as such a funny guy, and I am just so jealous of you. I really wish I could be like that. Hahaha. I liked when we walked to school together, cause I felt like we were getting closer. You were the bestfriend I needed. But I guess I did get boring. HAHAHA.

I think I do need a bestfriend. Someone who relies on me, and I can rely on. Someone who cares about me, and wants to see what I'm doing, just so we can chill. I feel like I've got nothing much left. Hahaha.

I always find my self saying, I wish I had a relationship like (Marlon and Ronnie) (Darryl and Tyler) and other people I can't think of. I wish I did. But maybe I think too hard. Maybe this brain I was bestowed with is jut a burden. I wish I was more simpleminded.

I dont even know where this blog is going. I'm sorry. I want someone to read you, but no one might. So I guess this is all I can say for now.

Goodnight.

For Example:

You know why it was so hard for me to find faith in God? Do you even have the slightest clue why? Any FUCKING clue at all? You, Ate Chelsea, It's all your fault.

You're my big sister, and I always relied on you as a kid. I did all the things you did, except act like a girl. hah. But when we grew up, we were Catholics. I believed you were a good example as a Catholic, but I stopped when I was around 10. You got first communion, and confirmation before me, and I liked that. I wanted to be just like you.

But now, I noticed, after seeing all the shit you do, you aren't even close to God at all. You don't even believe in him. You go to church to make Mom happy. That's all. You don't even pray. Why do you even take the Body and Blood? Why do you participate in Eucharist? Do you even know what Eucharist is? I'm not saying that I know everything, but damn yo, what kind of person are you.

You always get mad at me for the gayest reasons, but you always come back to me, asking me to do favors for you. And when Allen's around, you just like to make me look like a fucking idiot. Do you have any idea how much that hurts, that my own sister, is making me feel that way?

I was never able to find God, because I always felt like He wasn't there, because you don't even feel like He's there. You don't even believe in Him. I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE LIKE YOU. You're smart, I'm dumb. You can sing, I suck at singing. You had a job, I always relied on Mom. You had a car, I relied on Mom. You're going somewhere in life, I don't even think I'll even get a good job. You just make me feel like shit all the time. I swear you're the favorite child.

But no matter what you have, I have God. And you don't. Let me say that again. I have God in my life, but you don't. All these times I felt down and needed help, I never asked you for anything. Whenever Mom wasn't there to help me, I never knew what to do or who to talk to. Then I found God. I found him, and He accepted me with open arms.

You're not my sister anymore. You're just a girl who lives with me. I don't like to say it, but what have you ever done for me as a sister. You're just a jerk. A selfish, jerk.

After all of this, I cannot be mad at you. I just pray that God will help you and continue to help me.

So bye, Chelsea.